I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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