He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
