If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
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