I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
