I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
