It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
