ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
