when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
