I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
bring money and cleavage
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Randomize
