I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
