I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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