Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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