made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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