I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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