The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
