we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
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