I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
