Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
