I hate your face
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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