Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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