Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
