just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I take back everything I said about communal showers
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
