Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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