dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
