I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
