So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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