Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
ok first of all what the fuck
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
