just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
