I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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