please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Randomize
