Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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