If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Randomize
