Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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