ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
