You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
