my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
