you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
