chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
