I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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