watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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