I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
