Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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