when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
well you can't waste a boner
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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