How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
