I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
