He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
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