What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
