apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
