well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
the raccoons are back...
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