What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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