Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
