This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
